"The Bandits as a whole have nothing but respect for the numbers that Putz and Papelbon have put up this year, and our issue is not with them, nor should it deter or distract from the season they are having," Forster said, while smoking his 14th cigarette of the morning.

"Our issue is with that human Q-Tip with inverted nipples (St. Jack's Demons Owner/GM Jack Flynn), whose inability in journalism is only surpassed by his inability to win a playoff series," he raged. "In his latest article, he referred to them as 'the most devastating 1-2 punch in the league.' We feel that any rational observer would argue that Mariano Rivera and Joe Nathan are at least comparable to the new duo in Wellwood and should be given the level of respect that they have earned."

When reached for comment, Flynn reacted with surprise. "I never had inverted nipples and I'm tired of defending my body parts to other people," he screamed, a statement that was immediately followed by convulsions of laughter from his longtime girlfriend Christine Curcio. As she fell to the floor in hysterics over what was apparently a private joke, Flynn's face reddened as he continued.

"Look, Nathan and Papelbon are just about dead even, but Putz is better than Rivera, in my opinion. More strikeouts on the card, a more even lefty-righty balance and certainly a brighter future. You'd have to be a putz not to like Putz better!"